Why Spouses of Narcissists Appear to Truly Love and Care for Their Partner

Every spouse of a narcissist, including myself, wonders about this phenomenon. It is a perplexing and often unwelcome dilemma. How can a partner show such devotion to someone who seemingly treats them with disrespect and contempt?

Deceptive Behaviors and Illusions

My husband's sister, for instance, treats her husband with disdain and belittles him in public, yet he praises her every chance he gets. This behavior is not confined to my experience but is a common trait among narcissist partners. The malicious actions of the narcissist are offset by periods of exaggerated flattery and love, creating an illusion of genuine affection. In such cases, the other party is often enamored with the persona rather than the reality of the individual.

The illusion fades only when the victim begins to see through the facade and realizes the abuse. Only when they understand the full extent of the abuse do they comprehend that the relationship may be as difficult to escape as the abuse itself.

Factors Influencing Bonds

The relationship dynamics between narcissists and their spouses are complex and can be influenced by various factors. Notably, some of these partners have their own underlying mental health issues that contribute to their willingness to endure the abuse. Additionally, the phenomenon is often linked to trauma bonding, a psychological condition where the victim feels a deep emotional connection to the abuser despite the abuse.

Love Bombing and Trauma Bonding

The initial infatuation and love-bombing phase is a masterful manipulation tactic employed by narcissists to win their trust. Early on, the narcissist may shower their partner with attention, affection, and gifts. This behavior can create a strong emotional connection, making it difficult for the partner to leave the relationship. However, as the relationship progresses, the cycle of abuse and control becomes evident.

Love bombings, which were an integral part of the initial phase, gradually diminish. Subsequently, this results in an increasingly distorted bond, often referred to as a trauma bond. Trauma bonding is a type of emotional attachment that forms in the context of repeated abuse and violence. The individual may feel a strange sense of love, loyalty, and connection to the abuser, often staying in the relationship out of fear and a belief that they can change the abuser.

For my personal experience, I found myself loving my two narcissist partners for years. Despite the abuse, my bond was still about 20% love and 80% trauma bond even after 30 years. The process of shifting from genuine love to trauma bonding follows a pattern that begins with the constant push-pull of abuse and love-bombing. As the relationship progresses, the love diminishes, and the trauma bond increases.

The Painful Reality

When the narcissist abandons their partner emotionally, often after a year or more, the partner is left with a deep sense of longing and despair. Emotional abandonment can be worse than physical, as the partner may still cohabit with the abuser, yet they feel as if they are being treated with disrespect and contempt.

Throughout the relationship, the narcissist engages in various forms of abuse, including verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical. The initial bursts of love and attention are followed by verbal attacks, which over time decrease and eventually disappear. During these phases, the partner may question their own feelings of love, mistakenly believing that these feelings are the result of the relationship rather than the manipulation of the narcissist.

It is essential to understand that the love felt by the partner is often a result of the trauma bond and not an indication of genuine affection.

Conclusion

The bond between a spouse and a narcissist is indeed complex and fraught with emotional turmoil. Understanding the mechanisms behind this phenomenon can help in recognizing the reality of the situation and seeking the necessary support to break free from the abusive relationship. By understanding the true nature of the emotional and psychological entanglements, partners can find the strength to heal and move forward.

Keywords: Narcissistic, Trauma Bonding, Love Bombing, Abuse, Recovery