Why Parents Try to Insert Their Ideas into Adult Children’s Lives
Parents often wish to impart their values and beliefs to their children, even as those children grow into adults. While there is great debate on when and how much a parent should influence their grown offspring, it's important to understand the reasons behind these impulses.
Respecting Individual Decisions
I recall my grandmother, a staunch Democrat, and my parents, staunch Republicans, never forcing their views on me. After careful consideration, I identified as a Republican, but not a Trump supporter. I made that decision independently, which allowed me to respect their choices without having to adopt them.
Case in Point
The experiences of my youngest son are particularly enlightening. He and his wife are expecting my first grandchild and have embraced a religious belief that I do not fully comprehend, though it is not dangerous. They adhere to a Catholic faith, which we both respect, and the topic rarely comes up in conversations. This peaceful coexistence illustrates the importance of allowing adult children to make their own choices while still valuing their parents' opinions.
The Universal Nature of Parental Influence
The fact that parents continually try to share their ideas with their children, even after they become adults, is a deeply ingrained behavior. It's a natural reflex of the parent-child dynamic. While it may sometimes feel constricting or undermining, it often stems from a genuine place of care and concern. Many parents simply want to ensure that their children are making the best decisions, based on the life experiences they have gathered.
At 60, I observe firsthand how my 92-year-old mother continues to share her thoughts. We nod and nod in agreement, understanding her desire to share. Sometimes, though, these inputs can offer valuable insights that we might not have considered. Parental advice can indeed be beneficial, provided it is taken with a grain of salt and applied in a way that aligns with the adult child's values and life goals.
The Balance Between Influence and Respect
The key to maintaining a healthy relationship with adult children is finding a balance between providing guidance and respecting their independence. This balance can be challenging, but it's crucial for fostering a strong, loving bond.
Parenthood changes over time, transforming from a period of strict control to a stage where parents can offer wisdom and support. Adult children have distinct lives and experiences that form their own worldviews. Parents can impart their wisdom, but ultimately, adult decisions should be made autonomously.
Understanding the Intention Behind Parental Influence
Parents often aim to protect their children from life’s potential pitfalls by sharing their own experiences and the lessons they’ve learned. This comes from a place of love, as they want to see their children thrive and avoid the difficulties they faced. While this can sometimes feel like control, it is often motivated by a desire to see their children succeed.
Educational Insights
Parents can inadvertently influence their adult children without realizing it. For example, my mother's religious beliefs have instilled in me a sense of moral responsibility that has shaped my decision-making process. These subtle influences can be significant, even when the parents do not explicitly force their views upon their children.
Conclusion
While it's important to respect the independence of adult children, it's also crucial to recognize the inherent desire of parents to share their knowledge and experiences. Balancing this desire with the respect for individual choices is key to a healthy and fulfilling parent-child relationship.