Why Does Loneliness Start to Bother Me Now?
Feeling bothered by loneliness can arise at different points in life for various reasons. Here are a few possible explanations for why it's becoming more prominent for you now:
Life Changes
Significant changes such as graduating, starting a new job, or moving to a different place can highlight feelings of loneliness as your social environment shifts. You may find yourself in a new environment with unfamiliar faces, leading to a sense of isolation.
Increased Reflection
As you grow older, you may find yourself reflecting more on your life and relationships. This introspection can bring feelings of loneliness to the surface. You might start questioning the quality of your connections and wonder if you are fulfilling your needs for emotional support and companionship.
Social Media and Comparison
In today's digital age, it's easy to compare your life to others. Seeing friends or acquaintances share highlights of their social lives online might amplify feelings of isolation. Social media can be a double-edged sword, providing connections but also potentially leading to feelings of inadequacy.
Desire for Connection
As you mature, your understanding of relationships and the desire for deeper connections may evolve. You may realize that you want more than just surface-level friendships; you want someone to share life's experiences with. This realization can make you more aware of your loneliness and the importance of finding meaningful connections.
Mental Health
Factors such as anxiety or depression can heighten feelings of loneliness. If you're struggling with your mental health, it might be worth seeking support. Mental health professionals can provide strategies and insights to help you manage your feelings of loneliness effectively.
Cultural or Societal Pressures
Societal expectations about relationships and social connections can create a sense of urgency or inadequacy regarding your own situation. The pressure to have a fulfilling relationship can be overwhelming. Remember, societal norms are not universal and can vary widely from one culture to another.
Isolation During Life Events
Experiencing significant life events alone, such as celebrations or hardships, can make loneliness feel more acute. Being surrounded by people who aren't your close friends or family can highlight your need for meaningful connections.
If these feelings persist, it might be helpful to explore opportunities for connection whether through social activities, hobbies, or support groups. Talking to a mental health professional can also provide guidance and strategies for managing feelings of loneliness.
Challenging the Self-Improvement Narrative
It is possible that something is threatening your independence, such as health problems, money problems, or the fear of having to depend on someone else. This fear might be what is truly bothering you.
Here’s where I’m going to piss off the self-help gurus. There's this advice going around that one has to 'be happy alone before being in a relationship.' I see it everywhere and the psychological literature on this doesn’t support this idea at all. To be clear, though, you should be free or treated of any type of serious neurosis that will impact your ability to form deep connections.
Be happy because you are a normal functioning human being that is striving for intimate connection with someone else. You are questioning the normalcy of it because agents of socialization decided to tell you this nonsense that you have to endlessly self-improve and reach sigma male status to have any worth to someone.
A psychologist named Erik Erikson mentions that we go through a series of crises throughout our development. Many of us enter into a period known as intimacy-versus-isolation when we are about 19 years old (though not all do; this stage can occur in different ages for different individuals). It lasts until we are about 40 and it's a crisis of wanting to find meaningful and non-superficial emotional connection with other people. It becomes a prime motivation at this age and it's got nothing to do with 'you gotta be comfortable alone bro.'
I'm not saying go be codependent, desperate, and beg for people to love you. However, the fact that you're saying it's starting to bother you indicates you're liking going through this stage of development of wanting to settle down and have meaningful loving contact with another person. The people telling you to be comfortable alone are the same people who will jump into a relationship with someone the moment mutual attraction happens or they're already in relationships and they're hypocrites. If they really are happy alone, good for them, but they are speaking from personal experience and they are the exception and not the rule. Most people aren't built that way.
Don't feel like you're abnormal because society told you to be fine by yourself. Craving human connection is normal. Maybe join some clubs and find people that way. But don’t judge yourself for feeling something that is human.
Remember, it's okay to seek connection and support, and making meaningful relationships can enrich your life in immeasurable ways. If loneliness is becoming a significant issue, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance and support.