The Most Difficult Thing I Have Done: A Nurse's Struggle with Compassion and Grief
Through 36 years as a Registered Nurse (RN), I've faced a myriad of challenging situations, but none as profoundly difficult as taking care of my husband, Danny, when he was diagnosed with cancer. This role as his caregiver was both the hardest and most rewarding of my career. I learned a profound lesson about the balancing act between compassion and professionalism.
Danny’s Battle with Cancer
My family’s decision not to employ hospice care due to the stigma associated with it left the responsibility primarily on me to care for Danny. As a diabetic with additional health issues, the cancer in the base of his tongue brought on a series of complications. Danny required special radiation, resulting in the need for a feeding tube and controlled pain medications, making his blood sugar levels erratic.
Each morning, before heading to work, I would meticulously check Danny's blood sugar levels. I prepared and labeled his insulin syringes, creating a chart to manage his blood sugar covering. I crushed his pain meds and supervised the feeding tube at his bedside. My efforts extended beyond routine care, as I arranged flexible shift hours to pick him up from his radiation treatments. This dedicated care was critical, but it came at a personal cost.
Struggling with Emotions in a Professional Role
Despite the challenges, I faced an unprecedented moral dilemma. I knew I needed to maintain a professional demeanor for Danny's sake. The last thing he wanted to see was his wife breaking down in tears due to the gravity of his diagnosis. When the doctor from Stanford University warned Danny might have only a few months left, I resolved to keep my composure.
The night of October 5, 2010, marked a turning point. Danny suffered a stroke, and I played an instrumental role in his immediate care. Lifting him into a chair, guiding him to the bathroom, helping him to the toilet, and finally bed, I confronted the harsh reality of his impending death. I held him in his final moments, silently showing my support as he passed. Without shedding a single tear, I ensured Danny was prepared for the next stage of his journey.
Enduring the Grieving Process
Following Danny's passing, I found myself spiral into various personal challenges. One such challenge stemmed from my involvement with someone who exhibited narcissistic behaviors. This person's departure led me to seek counseling, with the help of which I began to process the immense loss. Over time, I regained the ability to express my grief through tears and daily reflections.
Reflecting on both a caregiver's role and personal life, I would not change my experience. However, I now recognize that being in a dual role as nurse and spouse stretched me to my limits. Danny deserved compassion without the burden of his wife's emotional state. This experience taught me the importance of setting personal boundaries and prioritizing mental health in high-stress situations.
Conclusion: Balancing compassion and professionalism is a delicate dance. Danny's enduring battle with cancer served as a poignant reminder of the sacrifices made in the name of love and care.