The Impact of a Father Who Never Appreciates Your Efforts: A Personal Journey

Having a father who never appreciates your efforts can be a deeply painful and frustrating experience. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and disappointment, which in turn can create a cycle of stress and anxiety. Over time, this lack of appreciation can also impact your relationships, making it difficult to trust or connect with others. In my personal journey, I faced many challenges due to the actions and behavior of my father who left when I was four years old. Here's how it all unfolded.

Early Life and Childhood Traumas

My natural father's absence and his presence were not something to celebrate. He was an alcoholic, and his fits of rage were frequent. The memories I have of him are filled with violence and fear. I still recall the day he threw my mother down the stairs, the time he beat my oldest sister with a razor strop for not stopping before chasing a ball in the street, and the beating he inflicted on my middle sister for wetting the bed. Each of these incidents has stayed with me, contributing to a childhood marred by fear and violence.

Seeking Fundamental Human Needs

Despite these traumatic experiences, every now and then, my father would surprise me with gifts. I only saw him twice between the ages of four and thirteen. On one occasion, he gave me a pair of white patent leather shoes. Those shoes were far too big for me, so I filled the toe with toilet paper to make them fit. I treasured those shoes for at least three years, even wearing them until they became too small. On the next visit, he gave me a doll with red hair, green eyes, and freckles. I loved that doll for years. While my mother never said anything positive about my father, I built up a fantasy in my mind about how much he loved me. However, in my heart, I knew deep down that he didn't.

Turning Points and Realizations

When I was thirteen, my mother received a letter from his sister, informing us that he had brain cancer and was dying. She wanted to ensure I would receive survivor benefits from Social Security. My stepfather and my mother took me to visit him in Kentucky. He was in a hospital, and I remember him saying he wanted one of his children to become a professional and that I would look good with plaits in my hair. Sadly, he passed away in a small town near where I lived, cared for by his second wife. I was able to attend his funeral and got to know my half-sister who was born later. Some years after his death, we discovered that the brain tumor had been slow-growing and had probably been there for approximately twenty years. It was located near the part of the brain responsible for impulse and emotional control. This likely explains his past violent and scary behavior.

Reflections and Self-Acceptance

Even though I regret not calling him 'dad,' I did fulfill his wish by wearing my hair in braids for about three years and becoming a professional to honor his desires. Over time, these experiences taught me the importance of finding ways to cope, such as seeking support from friends and engaging in activities that bring joy, and working towards self-acceptance. It’s a reminder that your worth is not defined by someone else's recognition.

Conclusion: Coping with Life's Challenges

Life is filled with challenges, and my journey has been no exception. Growing up with a father who never appreciated my efforts taught me valuable lessons about resilience, self-acceptance, and the importance of seeking support. While it is difficult to forgive, it is possible to move past pain and find ways to honor the difficult moments in life. Here's to hoping that everyone who reads this can find solace and strength in similar situations.