Striving for Approval Despite Misery: Understanding the Psychology and How to Move Forward

Often, when we encounter individuals who mistreat us, our instinct might be to seek their approval and validation. This behavior can stem from a complex interplay of psychological and emotional factors. In this article, we will explore the reasons behind this behavior and provide actionable steps to help you overcome the need for validation and build healthier relationships.

Why Do I Strive for Approval Despite Misery?

The need for approval, even from those who treat us poorly, can be deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Here are some of the common reasons why we might strive for this validation:

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can lead us to believe that our worth is contingent on the approval of others. This belief can be so deeply ingrained that we prioritize validation from people who mistreat us, hoping to find some form of validation or acceptance.

Fear of Rejection

A lurking fear of being alone or rejected can drive us to seek any form of connection, even with those who are not treating us well. This fear might cause us to believe that any form of connection is better than none.

Past Experiences

Our past experiences, especially in childhood or past relationships, can shape our behavior. If we were often praised for pleasing others, we might have internalized that as a way to gain love or acceptance. This learned behavior can persist well into adulthood.

Desire for Control

Seeking approval from those who mistreat us can be a misguided attempt to exert control over our social environment or to change their behavior. This misguided attempt at control can be a stark reminder of our need for validation.

Empathy and Optimism

Some of us might genuinely believe that with enough effort, we can change someone’s negative behavior. This optimism can drive us to persistently seek their approval despite how they treat us.

How to Stop Seeking Approval

Overcoming the inclination to seek approval, especially from those who mistreat us, is a journey that requires introspection and actionable steps. Here are some strategies to help you move forward:

Self-Reflection

Taking the time to introspect and understand the underlying reasons for your behavior is crucial. Engage in journaling or seek the guidance of a therapist. Understanding and uncovering your underlying beliefs and patterns can be transformative.

Build Self-Esteem

Begin by engaging in activities that build your self-esteem. Set and achieve personal goals, practice self-care, and surround yourself with supportive individuals. These actions can help reinforce your self-worth and challenge the belief that your value is tied to external validation.

Set Boundaries

Learn to recognize when someone is treating you poorly and practice setting clear boundaries. Setting boundaries is essential for your emotional well-being. It allows you to manage the behavior of others and protect yourself from further mistreatment.

Shift Your Focus

Instead of seeking validation from others, focus on self-acceptance. Acknowledge your own strengths and accomplishments without needing external validation. This shift in focus can empower you to value yourself independently of others' opinions.

Practice Assertiveness

Work on being assertive in your interactions. This means expressing your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully. Being assertive can help you communicate your boundaries and needs without seeking approval.