Reflections on Personal Growth After Serving Time: A Journey of Self-Transcendence

After 20 years imprisoned, the profound impact of my confined existence has drastically transformed my viewpoints and behaviors. The environment and experiences within prison have left indelible marks on my psyche, shaping the way I percieve and engage with the outside world. While some might attribute positive changes to their time behind bars, my own experience has not led to such transformations, but rather has instilled a sense of resilience and an inherent form of self-protection.

The Shift in Perspective and Behavior

Prison, to me, was a harsh and unforgiving reality that offered little solace or guidance. The harsh reality is that the environment demanded survival against the backdrop of violence and corruption. The way we handled disputes was either physical or through reliance on trusted allies, as I described in the opening statements. Here, external authorities, specifically law enforcement, were viewed with mistrust due to prior negative interactions. It's a stark contrast from the structured and regulated society that one encounters once liberated from prison.

Changes and Challenges Post-Prison

While the experience did not inherently foster positive changes, it did deeply engrain a segment of my personality that might be considered as a negative attribute. The experiences within the prison system, particularly in places notorious for violence and lack of safety, contributed to a pervasive stance of personal responsibility. The environment where 'self-care is the only care you receive' left me with a heightened sense of independence and self-reliance. However, this self-protection also manifested as social barriers. While I empathize with others going through challenges, my own experiences dictate a more pragmatic and internalized approach to my emotions and concerns.

The harsh nature of the prison environment was often brutal. For example, the place I was initially sent to was the most violent in the country (excluding one), where daily life entailed witnessing rapes, robberies, assaults, and murders. The corrupt administration did little to prevent these occurrences, leaving us mostly on our own. I shared a cell with a range of criminals, from rapists to mass murderers, which, if it were not for the harsh lessons learned, could have buttressed a harmful association, had I romanticized the notion of criminality or the lifestyle it entails.

A Harrowing Incident

Mentally, the most impactful memory was from my time at a particularly brutal prison. In a nightmarish occurrence, I saw a fellow inmate brutally stabbed 26 times by another individual one night. The vividness of this memory still resonates, and it serves as a sobering reminder of the violent nature of the environment. It's a stark contrast to the peaceful, and sometimes idealistic, aspects of life on the outside. This transformation, rather than being a change for the better, reinforced my defenses and created a layer of caution that continues to influence my interactions with others.

Upon release, the support from some older inmates provided a lifeline, assisting in my transition. Yet, the challenges persist and continue to challenge me in navigating a world that is inevitably stacked against me. While the experience such as mine should not be romanticized, it is important to acknowledge the lessons and resilience it instills, even if it means adopting a more guarded approach to the outside world.

In conclusion, the prison experience has profoundly altered my outlook and behavior. The negative aspects of that experience, such as an entrenched sense of self-sufficiency and a heightened vigilance against potential threats, continue to shape my interactions and perceptions. While these changes may not be universally positive, they are a testament to the profound impact that the environment can have on an individual's life trajectory, even after release.