Reflections on Missed Opportunities in Relationships
Looking back, I realize that there have been times when I could have turned back the hands of time to speak differently to my partner. Back then, my ex-partner simply shared their thoughts and feelings with me during our difficult breakup. If I had the opportunity to speak with them again now, my first question would be about their feelings: did they miss me?
Nevertheless, at face value, asking was more for my ego. Today, I am deeply in love with my current partner and am on track to eventually get married in a few years. The memory of my ex-partner has almost faded, with only minor details remaining. In fact, if I could go back in time, I would still inquire, ‘Did you miss me?’ Considering their hesitance and choosing a weak yes, there may have been times when I stood on a similar pedestal in their lives.
A Past Love's Sad Tale
Five years have passed since my significant other's unexpected passing at the age of 40. His final wish was that I should marry him and take his last name. He appreciated all, both good and bad, about me. If only I could have believed it wasn’t undesirable back then. I am filled with regret on days when I think about the missed opportunity. Every day, I am reminded of his pain and how it could have been rectified.
Why I Regret Not Giving in
Their unexpected passing has left an indelible mark on me. I could still feel a deep connection to him, manifesting as emotions, sensations, and even spiritual visions. I often dream of flying over the places we dreamed of visiting together, feeling the air and being held in his embrace. It is heart-wrenching to think that he died without having accomplished one of his most cherished dreams: getting married.
I cannot help but feel guilty for not accepting his love then. Today, I wish I had been more considerate and accepted his proposal. While I was in love and thought I would last forever, it was my mistake to see everything as merely romantic. His love and appreciation meant everything to him, and I, in my arrogance, thought our love needed a special occasion to materialize. I wish I could go back and tell him that I was sorry and that I didn’t speed up our marriage because I knew I would never be without him again. I was 5 years younger, deeply in love, and always felt that he would be my last love.
Lifting the Burden of Regret
Each day, I feel as though I am still with him, experiencing the phenomena of our souls communicating through emotions and sensations. I often think, ‘If only I gave in to his wishes back then, he would have been happy.’ Today, I can still feel him, even though he is no longer here. The pain of his loss still lingers, but I find comfort in the knowledge that he was fulfilled in his last moments.
Perhaps, reflecting on the past can help me move forward. Writing about it may help me heal. Although I am still moved to tears many years later, I hope that by sharing my reflections and experiences, I can find a measure of closure.