Rediscovering My Beliefs: Journey Through Old Diaries

Reading back through your old diaries and journals can be a fascinating journey back in time, revealing the evolution of your beliefs and opinions. It's amazing how some viewpoints shift over time, especially when faced with new experiences or knowledge. For instance, the belief in the existence of Santa Claus was a cornerstone of my childhood, until I reached an age where such ideas seemed absurd. Similarly, the Tooth Fairy and the concept of Jehovah/Yehwah were deeply ingrained, yet as I grew older, my understanding and belief in these entities evolved in ways I never anticipated.

From Strong Belief to Skepticism

One significant belief I held with whole-heartedly was that of God. My belief was so strong at one point that it defined who I was. However, this strong conviction was shattered when I started to question the existence of God due to the presence of birth defects. This experience led me to delve into the Bible and other religious texts, which further confirmed my doubts. This period marked a shift from belief into disbelief, a transition that brought with it a profound realization and a reevaluation of my personal principles.

The Rationale Behind My Belief Evolution

The expression "whole-heartedly" can sometimes mislead us into thinking that we can hold beliefs without any room for doubt. However, as I reflect on my past, I realize that my belief in God was never absolute, and it was belief stretched to the point of disbelief. My old diaries are like a window into my past, telling me about the younger version of me, who saw life as a series of uncontrollable events, and I was merely a victim of circumstances. Now, as I read through those entries, I can see the stark contrast in my beliefs. I now believe that I have control over my reality and can shape it with positive thought and intentional actions.

Embracing Change and Personal Growth

The value of keeping a journal is not just in the documentation of events; it is also in the journey of discovering one's growth. My old diaries helped me relive my past self and understand the changes that have occurred in my worldview. Reading back, I remember how I viewed myself and the world, and I am proud of how much I have unlearned and grown since then. I now understand that I play an active role in creating my own reality. This realization has made me more accountable for my actions and more grateful for the journey, experiences, and struggles that have brought me to where I am today.

Exploring New Beliefs and Understanding

My opinions and beliefs about God have undergone significant transformations over the years. In my teenage years, I was agnostic, unable to deny God's existence but also unwilling to engage with a belief system that I perceived as intolerant and judgmental. I spent years researching both the scientific and theological aspects of religion, eventually concluding that God exists but my understanding of them was flawed. Now, I no longer associate God with a paternal figure of wrath, instead, seeing them as a loving and all-embracing entity that accepts everyone, including those from the LGBTQ community. This has made me a more open-minded and compassionate individual.

Journaling about my beliefs and the struggles with faith has been a therapeutic process. Writing about the initial pushback against my family's religious norms and the subsequent liberation has been a deeply moving experience. It allows me to reflect on my journey and the fact that I can now share it with others. I have maintained that wherever God may be, or if they aren't there, it doesn't matter as much as the present reality that being a better version of myself with God in my life is a valuable experience.

Conclusion: The Unending Journey of Belief

Beliefs are not static but ever-evolving. They are shaped by experiences, knowledge, and personal growth. Reading my old diaries is a testament to this evolution. It reminds me that I was once more vulnerable to external influences, but now, through a deeper understanding of myself and the world, I am in a better position to make conscious choices about my beliefs. The journey of rediscovering my beliefs is an ongoing one, and I am grateful for each step of the way.