Protective Lies: When Adults Deceive Children for Their Safety
As an adoptive parent, I can attest to the complex and often difficult decisions that fall upon adults when protecting children. It is not always possible or desirable to reveal every piece of truth to a child, especially when it involves complex issues such as protective lies. These lies can be essential for safeguarding a child's emotional well-being and shielding them from further trauma.
The Case of KidKid
The story of my younger son, KidKid, is one such instance where a deliberate deception was necessary. When KidKid was removed from his biological father, he was initially told that his father was "too sick" to care for him. This was, in fact, a lie, as his biological father had abandoned responsibility for all eight of his children fathered by different women.
The truth was far more convoluted and painful. KidKid's biological mother also had multiple children with different men, leading to a chaotic and unstable family environment. The young boy’s entire world had been uprooted, and further revelation of the harsh realities such as alcoholism, domestic violence, and even a fire set by a family member would have been too traumatic for KidKid at that age.
The Importance of Deception in Early Recovery
It would have been detrimental to disclose the full extent of the chaos KidKid had experienced. The initial lie, while a deception, served as a protective measure. It allowed KidKid to focus on his immediate needs, such as food, shelter, and stability, rather than being overwhelmed by the complex web of traumas. This truth shielded his young mind from the harsh reality too soon.
Our mandated visits with KidKid's biological father, despite our best efforts, often caused him to regress emotionally and disrupted the progress he had made in therapy. The trauma of facing his past and the abandonment by his biological father would have been too much for a teenager to bear, especially considering his complicated history and the numerous emotional triggers he faced.
Handling Emotional Sensitivity in Adopted Children
Adopting a child who is not an infant and who is old enough to remember past traumas presents significant challenges. KidKid, starting to ask questions around the age of 14, eventually came to understand the majority of the truth about his past. The process has been both challenging and rewarding, as he and his adoptive mother form a strong bond and work through the difficult emotions together.
Therapy plays a vital role in this process. A compassionate and experienced therapist helps KidKid navigate the complexities of his past, providing him with a safe space to express his feelings and work through the trauma. This support system is crucial for his emotional and psychological health.
The Legacy of Deception and Trust
While the original lie was beneficial and shielding for KidKid, it is clear that the trust between him and his adoptive mother has grown over time. It is a testament to the strength of their bond that KidKid has become extremely attached to his adoptive mother, and she continues to provide the support and guidance he needs. One day at a time, they move forward, working through the emotional setbacks and triggers that come with his tumultuous past.
In conclusion, while protective lies can be necessary and beneficial in certain situations, they are just one part of the broader picture. Proper support, therapy, and a strong relationship with caregivers are essential for a child's recovery and emotional well-being, especially in cases of complex trauma and adoption.