Why I Refuse to Help a Family Member Who Has Always Supported Me
There are numerous reasons why one might decline to assist a family member who has been a constant support system. Often, the reasons are deeply rooted in past experiences that profoundly affected us. In such cases, the refusal can stem from emotional wounds that are still raw and deeply hurtful, making it impossible to overlook or forgive.
Entitlement and Obligation
When parents consistently ask for favors, it can create a pattern of expectation that feels overwhelming. My mother is a perfect example of this dynamic. Whenever she seeks help, it is always framed in a way that centers her needs, often demanding assistance with seemingly trivial matters. For instance, her texts often go something like this:
“Oh, I'm going to see Dr. X, he’s scheduled to be in on Saturday and Sunday. Do you have anti-inflammatory? I can hardly eat because of my abscess. Are you busy this afternoon? I’d like ice cream, 4 liters, vanilla.
While I love my mother, there is a clear pattern of behavior that makes me feel like a mere resource for her needs. Here's a typical exchange that encapsulates her constant requests:
Tania, can you go get me some ice cream?
Tania, is it possible to know if you will be going to the pharmacy tomorrow morning to pick up my medication? I have to confirm, I need to know.
Then she had a delivery guy who always dropped her things first thing in the morning, so when I arrived, I was usually there around the same time as the delivery guy.
Tania, I asked you if you could go get me some ice cream!
These actions exemplify the pervasive sense of obligation and entitlement that my mother often displays. It's disconcerting to feel like you are only valuable when you can help her, yet she dismisses your feelings and boils them down to my failure to respect her.
Emotional Exhaustion and Self-Care
Over the years, I have witnessed how my mother's patterns of behavior contribute to a cycle of emotional exhaustion. Every time I seek comfort from her, she mirrors her struggles, turning my issues into hers. This dynamic, while nurturing in some moments, is often draining and exhausting.
Stripe (my term for the other parent who mistreated me) has a history of similar behavior, like pushing me away during vulnerable moments. I remember when I was just 8 years old, and she told me not to hold her hand or get too close so as to avoid speculation about our relationship. Such actions leave emotional scars that are hard to heal.
Ultimately, my decision to prioritize my own children and partner over my mother's requests is rooted in a desire for healing and happiness. My children and partner bring me joy and fulfillment, while my mother causes pain, lies, frustration, and deception.
Self-Interest in Relationships
It's a hard truth that in the end, when the chips are down, we often find ourselves alone. This realization has taught me to treat others the way I would like to be treated. However, this doesn’t always work with my mother who consistently puts her needs first, often at my expense.
I am not advocating for a total break of all familial ties, but rather a healthy detachment that allows me to focus on my own life and well-being. Perhaps, with time, my mother will reflect on how she treated me and change her ways. Until then, my energy and resources are dedicated to creating a happier and more supportive environment for my own children and partner.