Navigating Family Holidays Post-Divorce: A Family’s Journey
Holidays are meant to be joyous and heartwarming, but for many families, this is far from the reality. For a family navigating the aftermath of a divorce, these special occasions can be fraught with tension and sadness. Once upon a time, holidays were always a time for celebration and togetherness. However, a daughter’s divorce brought in an era of turmoil. The ex-husband became increasingly abusive, and though his children are now adults, he still makes his presence known, causing immense stress and turmoil.
The Ex-Husband's Behavior
After my daughter's divorce, her ex-husband's behavior towards their children became extremely abusive. This abuse continued even after the divorce, and it had a profound impact on the children's mental and emotional health. Today, these children are all adults, aged 19, 22, and 24, and they have each made a conscious decision to distance themselves from their father. This choice is clear and unequivocal, and they have made it absolutely known to him.
The Holiday Letters and Gifts
Regrettably, just as any holiday approaches, the ex-husband re-emerges, making it known to the children that he expects their reconnection. The messages he sends are manipulative and threatening. They typically go something like, "it's time you stop being angry at me and if you don’t get in contact with me NOW, you're going to hell." He remains steadfast in his belief that he is blameless and that his children’s refusal to contact him is a result of our family’s dysfunction.
His attempts to re-establish contact during holidays begin with sending letters filled with pious and overly sentimental words. The letters are marked with sympathy cards, where he elaborately explains why he deserves their undying loyalty and respect. He frequently leaves "gifts" at our doorstep, most often a Bible. He uses this as a mechanism to teach them that they must "find God" and only then will God forgive them. It's a deeply manipulative tactic, and though none of us approach our faith with closed minds, his actions leave a trail of emotional distress.
The Deep Impact and Family Dynamics
His words and actions trigger a cascade of emotions in the children that they lived through during their formative years. They are pained by the memories of their father’s abuse and the fears that linger. When he drops by our house, those painful memories resurface, creating a palpable tension. The impact of his actions is clear, and it's exacerbated by the gifts he leaves, which are meant to be silently processed and integrated into their lives.
Each of the children has developed a robust faith, grounded in their own individual relationship with their maker. They understand the concept of divine forgiveness but have made clear boundaries regarding their personal relationships. They have chosen to forgive their father in the sense that they no longer feel the need to hate him. However, they remain wary and aware of the manipulative tactics employed by him. They have also acknowledged that until the father realizes his own culpability for the children’s actions and feelings, true healing is not possible, and perhaps not even viable.
The Holiday Experience
Over the years, the shadow of the ex-husband has darkened the holiday season. His behavior and their reactions to it have made these occasions a series of anxious, strained, and sometimes even joyless gatherings. However, as the children have grown, they have developed a greater level of self-assurance and emotional security. Consequently, the tension during holidays has eased somewhat, and those occasions are now marked by a degree of comfort and closer bonding. The children have made heartfelt efforts to turn these holidays into wonderful and meaningful experiences once again.
The road to healing and re-establishing normalcy has been long and hard. Yet, the golden moments when they are together and enjoying each other's company are invaluable. As the children move further away from the father's negative influence, the family hopes to rekindle the warmth and love of past holidays, creating new memories that honor the strength and unity of a resilient family.