Why has my 23-year-old daughter push me and her dad away but when she needs something she expects us to be there for her?

Ever found yourself wondering why your adult daughter seems to push you and your husband away, yet still relies on you when she needs help? This isn't an uncommon situation, and understanding it can provide insights into the complex relationship dynamics that come with growing up.

Seeking Independence

Often, what your daughter is going through is a natural part of the journey to adulthood. At 23, she is trying to carve out her identity and assert her independence. This process involves testing boundaries, exploring different interests, and making choices that align with her values. She is learning to take on responsibilities and manage her life, even if it means occasionally pushing away the familiar presence of her parents.

The Impact of Childhood Dynamics

Your daughter may have been raised in a household where your role was primarily that of a caregiver. While this approach can be nurturing and comforting, it can also lead to a child who sees you only as a caregiver and not as a separate, independent person. This perspective can be limiting and may make it difficult for her to see herself as capable of handling life's challenges on her own.

Parental Overprotection

It's possible that when your daughter was younger, you might have been too overprotective. Overprotection can stifle a child's development of problem-solving skills and decision-making abilities. If she was always provided with solutions, she might have missed out on learning to navigate the challenges of life. As a result, she may struggle with situations where she needs to find her own path and rely heavily on her parents to make decisions or handle problems for her.

Kicking the Nest

Upon reaching adulthood, your daughter may feel the need to break free from the comfort of home and familiar roles. This stage is often referred to as the 'nest-kicking' phase, where despite her newfound independence, she may still seek comfort and security in her family. This duality can lead to a frustrating yet normal pattern of behavior: pushing away and yet asking for help when needed.

Promoting Self-Reliance

To support your daughter in her journey to independence, consider reinforcing the message that she is capable and strong. Encourage her to make decisions and solve problems on her own, while being there as a supportive presence when she needs guidance. Allow her to experience the natural consequences of her actions, which will help her develop resilience and self-reliance.

Communication and Understanding

Initiating open and honest conversations can also help bridge the gap. Discuss her feelings and concerns without judgment. Let her know that you are there for her, not just as a caregiver but as a source of support and guidance. Understanding and empathy can go a long way in fostering a healthier relationship.

Encouraging Self-Exploration

Encourage your daughter to explore new interests, hobbies, and experiences that can help her assert her independence. Support her in taking on new roles and being part of a community, such as joining clubs or taking up a new sport. These activities can provide her with a sense of belonging and confidence in her ability to handle life's challenges on her own.

In the end, every parent-daughter relationship is unique. While your daughter's behavior may be challenging, it's an opportunity for growth and mutual understanding. Continue to be there for her, offering support and encouragement as she navigates the journey to adulthood.