Explaining the Appeal of Polyamory: A Personal Perspective

Have you ever struggled to explain to a monogamous friend the benefits of having more than one romantic partner? I'd like to share a personal anecdote that may help you bridge this understanding gap.

A Vignette: Understanding Polyamory

Let's set the scene: We encounter two individuals, Bob and Bill, in a casual conversation.

Bob and Bill's Discussion

Bob: -So we had to reschedule for Tuesday. That still work for you?

Bill: No, sorry. Cora and Connie are going out Tuesday, so I've got babysitting duty… and they'll probably be out all night.

Bob: Wow, really. Aren't you worried?

Bill: About what?

Bob: Well, they'll be out all night. Dancing, drinking… there's a lot of hot younger men out there who will be looking to take advantage of that…

Bill: (laughing) He makes the hand signals not that he turns into several older women.

Bob: Are you worried that Cora is going to wind up in bed with another man?

Bill: No, not at all. Connie doesn't like to share.

Bob: Oh! Okay then.

Bob: …

Bob: Wait what?

Bill: What part of 'Cora and her girlfriend Connie are going out Tuesday'?

Bob: Um, I guess the 'girlfriend' part.

Bill: Oh! That's my bad. When I said 'girlfriend', I literally meant that Cora and Connie are dating.

Bob: Oh! … Oh.

Ah.

Bill: (takes a drink) waits for Bob to process.

Bob: … And you're okay with that?

Bill: Why wouldn't I be?

Bob: You're not worried that she's going to like fall in love with Connie, leave you with the kids, and run away together?

Bill: (laughing) I really want to poke fun at you right now, but I know you're just having a hard time with the concept. Look—when Cora goes off with Connie and they bang each other until dawn, the sum total of relevance to me is that I'm watching kids while that happens… and in exchange, Cora will watch them for me next week when I want to go bowling. That's it.

And to stop your next question, no, sex isn't a zero-sum game. I'm not getting deprived of sex just because Cora is getting some from Connie. In fact, since those two started dating, I've gotten laid twice as often. Turns out, having sex with another lady is a major turn-on for her.

Bob: …I guess that makes sense. But still, what do you get out of it?

Bill: Besides a happy wife who is far more permissive of my shenanigans when she is getting her various itches scratched. (Bill looks around conspiratorially, then leans in close) You know how relationships take work, right? Bob nods. Connie is effectively doing half that work for me. I am getting laid twice as often, and Cora is happier than ever. She needs only half the energy and attention she used to ask from me, and for all that, all I have to do is play video games with the kids until bedtime, like, twice a month. Bill leans back with a big Cheshire grin. Dude, I should have agreed to this years ago.

Conclusion

Perhaps you're thinking, 'If I was trying to explain to a friend the appeal of my partner seeing other people, I wouldn't necessarily justify polyamory as a lifestyle. As many answers already said, that is utterly unnecessary. I would simply explain what I personally got out of it. I would probably be a bit of an ass about it too, but that goes without saying.'

Now, if only Bob could see the benefits in the same light, he might start taking a more proactive role in managing his time and relationships more effectively. But as I often tell my friends, sometimes it takes a little push to see the silver lining in your partner's happiness.