Dealing with an Ex-Narcissist’s Attempts to Reconcile

Understanding the behavior of an ex-narcissist can be a complex process given their manipulative tendencies and the ways they try to regain control of former relationships. If you find yourself in a situation where they display persistent behavior, even knowing you are now engaged in a new relationship, it's crucial to understand why they might still try to come back and how to navigate these challenging situations.

Why Narcissists Remain Tenacious

For many ex-narcissists, the desire to return to their former partners can stem from the need for validation, control, and the thrill of manipulation. Even after discovering the person they once targeted is now in a new relationship, their ego may not allow them to simply accept defeat. Instead, they might continue their attempts through various means.

Take for example, the discarded message from Candi: 'I didn’t know you was with someone, but Ill tell you this... you want hear a dam think from me no more to louto you and your bf what ever... they are not done making a feel bad by themselves and would like to take you down that rabbit hole again... get away from them as fast as a rabbit.' This is a clear indication of how the narcissist will attempt to chip away at their former partner's resolve to move forward.

Manipulation Tactics

Manipulative tactics are the hallmark of a narcissistic individual. Even if they know you are with someone else, their primary goal may be to undermine your current relationship. They might seek to display themselves as 'the better option,' calling to offer dinners, pretending to be apologetic, or attempting to reconstruct the past through relentless attempts to win you back.

One such tactic involves baiting you with guilt or inferiority. For instance, an ex-narcissist might say, 'If they could actually get you to go back with them how proud would that make them? They stole you back from someone else. Right up their alley. Another game to play.' This serves as a way to assert their ego and gain a sense of power and control.

Permanently Cutting Off Unhealthy Contacts

It's essential to set clear boundaries and ensure permanent disconnection from the ex-narcissist. Contact that is deemed appropriate, such as simple pleasantries, may still feed their manipulative tendencies. Cutting off all forms of contact—personal, social, digital—is crucial to prevent them from finding ways to interact with you.

Rejecting their advances and being firm in your decision is key. Acknowledging their efforts without engaging and maintaining a logical and emotional distance can help in dismantling their attempts to win you back.

For example, you can respond with a statement like, 'Oh yes. That doesn’t matter to them. If they could actually get you to go back with them how proud would that make them? They stole you back from someone else. Right up their alley. Another game to play. They will still call by and try and get you to have dinner with them as if nothing has ever happened. You have to cut these people off. Permanently. No contact because they won’t stop playing games. It’s not because they love you and can’t live without you. It’s a game and they think they might be able to suck just a little more supply from you. That’s it!'

Preventing a Destructive Reunion

Even if your ex-narcissist does not make an attempt to reconcile now, it is important to recognize why they would. Their core belief that they possess a greater supply (safety, affection, and attention) can cause them to pursue a comeback. This mindset often results in destructive behavior, whether or not you are currently in a relationship. Knowing their potential actions can help you be prepared and ready to handle any situation.

The actions of an ex-narcissist aim to disrupt and ruin the lives of those around them, especially if they perceive that this would validate their ego and reinforce their sense of control and superiority. In essence, every ending that they do not control is an opportunity for them to engage in a newgame, with you as the target.

Final Thoughts on New Relationships

Ignoring how a new relationship might affect an ex-narcissist can be a mistake. You have the right to move on and begin a healthier relationship. If someone has failed you in the past, it’s important to ensure that the person you are with now is someone who respects and values your independence and happiness. Any indication that they might seek to disrupt your current relationship or regain your attention should be taken seriously and addressed.

To conclude, it’s critical to remember that the behavior of an ex-narcissist is not about your former relationship; it is about their need for control and validation. Understanding this empowers you to take decisive action to protect yourself and prevent further emotional trauma.